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Often, clients begin therapy in a deep state of confusion. The phrase, "I don't know what's wrong with me, why am I not happy?" pops up constantly during the first few sessions. The combination of overwhelming moments of deep anxiety and depression, a sense of emptiness, and not knowing where it comes from makes it very disorienting. As we continue exploring, I often hear this: "My life is great now & my parents were not perfect, but they were good parents so I have not idea why I’m not happy." These phrases are usually a tell-tell sign that we might be dealing with childhood emotional neglect. This blog will explain "childhood emotional neglect," the consequences for adults who went through it, and how to heal from it.

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)?

What is childhood emotional neglect? You might ask. Well, it's the accumulation of little things your parents did and didn't do. The worse part of CEN is all the stuff your parents failed to do. Abuse is active, evident, easy to recognize, and to disapprove. Neglect, on the other hand, is a much more passive and insidious process. Therefore, it is hard for adult children to recognize and understand why and how their upbringing affects their adult lives. So they continue to blame themselves, sometimes to the point of feeling shame and disgust for their behavior, symptoms, emotions, etc.

Here are some of the symptoms of Childhood Emotional Neglect described by Joyce Webb in her book Running on Empty.

  • Feelings of emptiness

  • Difficulties depending on others

  • Low self-knowledge

  • Lack of self-compassion

  • chronic feelings of guilt, shame & self-blame

  • Difficulty identifying and expressing emotions

  • Sensitivity to rejection

  • Feeling different from others

  • Difficulty being assertive

  • Additionally, there's a higher chance of experiencing other mental health issues such as substance abuse, chronic depression & anxiety, eating disorder & partner violence.

As you can see, this is an large list covering many areas of your life. So how can clients feel like it's all on them? Why are they not clear about the influence of their upbringing on their current behavior? And why does it matter, anyway?

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How Does (CEN) Childhood Emotional Neglect Influence Adult Behaviors?

Emotional Development

We need to keep in mind that our brain has evolved over millions of years and has selected traits that increase our chances of survival. Our parents are our primary source of support; our lives depend on them when we're little. Given that we will instinctively do whatever increases our chances of survival from birth, as a kid, that means being ok with mom & dad. So we create a narrative about our upbringing that helps us make sense of things while preserving the relationship with our parents as much as possible. It ends up sounding something like this: "I was terrible, I was always getting in trouble," "they believed in tough love," "it made me a stronger person," etc. Yet interestingly enough, when asked, everyone says they want to raise their kids differently. That is if they even want to have kids at all.

In this need to create a narrative that helps you survive, not necessarily one that reflects your reality lies one of the most significant consequences of neglect: questioning your judgment & feelings. Additionally, in these households, children are also explicitly told things like "don't be a cry baby," "you're too emotional," "why do you have to be so sensitive?" etc. Other unpleasant feelings such as anger are also frowned upon, and children are grounded, ignored, physically punished for it. The implicit and explicit message is that happiness is the only tolerable feeling. Then, as an adult, when you have an uncomfortable feeling, you may feel inadequate, guilty, shameful, etc. You may develop perfectionistic tendencies to fulfill parental expectations. While not feeling good enough despite significant accomplishments. Lastly, you may also lack the resources to properly manage and communicate your feelings. Why? Because you were never taught how nor had opportunities to practice regulating your emotions it as a child.

When our feelings are ignored, we often struggle to seek help

This invalidation of feelings is also one of the reasons why clients hesitate to seek help. They have to overcome years of programming, saying that their feelings are wrong and they need to be "tougher." Admitting that one needs help is especially difficult for children of neglect. Whenever they felt sad, angry, disappointed, etc., because a parent made an insensitive comment, didn't show up to an important event, overlooked their distress, etc., they were made to feel responsible and guilty for having such expectations. Consequently, these children become very self-sufficient adults who rely only on themselves and trust very few people.

Additionally, it makes for a very lonely experience and great difficulty expressing vulnerability and asking for help. Adult children of neglect are good at externally having it together, but things don't run as smoothly as they appear internally. Inside, they’re typically dealing with sadness, anxiety, not feeling good enough, imposter syndrome, loneliness, lack of purpose, etc.

Sadly, neglect & abuse early in life also increases the risk of engaging in self-injurious behaviors such as substance abuse, codependency, self-mutilation, eating disorders, etc. Often, these are behaviors that consciously or unconsciously helps one to numb internal pain. Unfortunately, if left untreated, they can turn into problems of their own.

Childhood Emotional Neglect Influences Relationships Difficulties

The difficulties discussed above affect one's attachment to caregivers, which eventually affect adult relationships. Let's look at why a bit closer! It is crucial to explore and question some things about our upbringing if we're experiencing symptoms from the list below. Our brain is programmed to think that what is familiar is safe. What we resist persists. So if you remain in denial about the impact of (CEN) childhood emotional neglect, you will keep on attracting the same individuals to your life, and your wounds will deepen every time. Which will keep you stuck in cycles of emotional neglect in different areas of your life, especially in romantic relationships.

If you grew up in an emotionally neglectful household, you crave to be seen, appreciated, loved. You long for the unconditional love you didn't experience growing up. However, you may be used to relationships where you have to cater to others, please, avoid conflict, etc. Consequently, you may assume that your partner doesn't care or wants to be bothered by what you have to say. Not only that, but you don’t want to appear “needy”. You stay quiet about most things, and your needs go unmet. Meanwhile, you build resentment and never feel close to your partner. The result is a relationship that lacks emotional intimacy and feels rather superficial. “Yet very familiar, this is your luck

Your chances of attracting emotionally unavailable partners are also higher, making it even more difficult. When you risk being vulnerable, you may be disappointed by their rejection or unresponsiveness. This lack of attunement further reinforces the idea that there's nobody there for you and makes you question your requests' validity. So you may walk away telling yourself that it's best not to rock the boat.

As you probably know or can imagine, this is exhausting. You feel on guard all the time; you don't feel free to be yourself, and you feel under constant fear of retaliation in the form of rejection, criticism, abandonment, etc. No wonder, whenever there's an opportunity to explore the inner dynamics of past or present relationships, you freeze. Fear takes over, and you start rationalizing it to yourself by saying things like: "there's no point," "it's not a big deal anyway," "I shouldn't feel this way," "I'm making it more dramatic than it is." etc. Again, you invalidate your inner experiences. You speak to yourself just like your caregivers did.

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Ready to Begin Overcoming Childhood Emotional Neglect? Here’s how!

How do you turn this around? And, how do you get yourself out of these cycles? Therapy! And if you live in Miami, FL (actually, anywhere in Florida), we can help! I'll tell you how in a minute.

First, let me first explain how (CEN) childhood emotional neglect relates to developmental trauma. The simplest way to understand this is by imagining a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, we have emotionally mature parents who consistently respond to their child's emotional needs. So not only do they meet the child's basic needs of food, shelter, and medical care, but they are also emotionally attuned and responsive. These children typically develop a secure attachments and grow up to feel worthy of love and attention. They attract people who treat them with care & respect. Therefore, they feel safe in the world and trusting others. In other words, they have a pretty optimistic view of themselves, others, and the world in general.

On the other end of the spectrum, are the parents who should be in jail. They are neglectful and abusive. Their impact on their children is broad and deep. They affect personality development and attachment patterns. Neglectful parents are somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, depending on how bad it is. I've drawn this analogy because many times when we cannot identify instances of abuse, we disregard the influence of our bringing. This is a mistake.

I also like to use the visual of a line/spectrum because when we start crossing into the abusive area, the chances of complex trauma increase. Complex trauma causes more severe difficulties with emotional regulation, attention, and relationships. Here, your body becomes dysregulated, and you may even dissociate. There’s plenty of effective interventions to help clients in that situation but it’s a longer therapeutic process. We will explore this further in other posts. When things are less severe, parents have instilled enough resources and short-term therapy works wonders.

I help my clients begin overcoming childhood emotional neglect in three stages of therapy: understanding, normalizing & tapping into your superpower.

We first spend time understanding the dynamics of your household and other significant life events; we may use a timeline, genogram, or just a good old conversation. This information helps me understand where you are and what makes you who you are. I’m also helping you internalize the impact of events, I may challenge your interpretation, assist in reframing, etc.

During the normalizing phase, we spend a lot of time rewiring what clients believe is "normal," increasing comfort with emotions, vulnerability, etc. I like to think of it as cultivating self-compassion. Cultivating compassion for oneself after a lifetime of neglect is one of the biggest challenges and accomplishments of psychotherapy. At this point, clients usually have accepted that their parents should've done many things differently. However, there's a sort of pride in thinking of themselves as resilient, unaffected by what has happened, etc. So we challenge those beliefs and get deep into the conflict of holding on to them or letting go. Here, EMDR therapy may be very useful to change negative or limiting beliefs.

Lastly, you tap into your superpower, your words. This phase looks a lot like coaching because it's very skill-based. We role-play conversations; I provide feedback on how to speak assertively, strengthen communication skills, etc. Once you integrate that your emotions are valid and that the right people will respect and honor them, you will feel safe taking the risk of communicating what you think and feel. Once you taste the joy of authenticity and agency, there’s no going back. You will feel in control of your life and able to influence its direction. This will, in turn, affect your self-esteem and the quality of your relationships.

Get help with therapy for childhood emotional neglect. We all need it and we all deserve it!

I encourage you to seek help if you relate to most or even some of what I've described above. It's difficult to admit that one needs help; you may go around it by minimizing, rationalizing, or simply telling yourself that it's not a big deal. I'm here to tell you it is. This is your life, you only get one chance at it, and it matters. We all deserve a chance at being happy and feeling fulfilled. Emotionally immature parents will have you believe differently. So remember, they had a chance at life, they made choices for themselves, and it is now your chance to make your own choices. I hope you choose yourself and put up the biggest fight of your life to experience love in all its form. Our team loves working with fighters! I'm one hundred percent committed and confident that you can overcome the consequences of your past and blossom into who you were always meant to be. If you’re ready to get help, begin working with us in PTSD treatment and trauma therapy or EMDR therapy soon!

Begin Overcoming Childhood Emotional Neglect in Miami, FL!

It can be hard to acknowledge when we need help. When you have been dealing with (CEN) childhood emotional neglect as an adult, often we internalize our past and shove it down. The process of acknowledging how our past impacted us isn’t always a pleasant journey, but it’s a necessary one. If you’re unsure whether there is a space for you in the therapy setting, know there is. Please know that you can find healing. It is possible to overcome your past and fully take control over your own life. And therapy can play a key role in that journey.

In therapy, you will work with one of our skilled trauma therapists either in our in-person at our Miami therapy office or by meeting with one of our therapist online. If you are physically located anywhere in the state of Florida, we can help. So, if you would like to know more how therapy can help and our holistic, mind and body approach to true healing, please call 786-244-3520 for your free, 15-minute consultation about EMDR therapy. Or to get started follow these simple steps:  

  1. Contact Psych Blossom Counseling  

  2. Learn about our skilled in-person and online trauma therapists.

  3. Start healing from the past and living life on your terms.

Other Services at Psych Blossom Counseling    

Dealing with childhood emotional neglect is hard to admit. Often we get into a routine where we believe that our problems are not as big as everyone else’s. This can often lead individuals to believe that there isn’t a place for them in the therapy room. Yet, the truth is that therapy can help. In fact, there’s probably a part of you that’s been looking for this help for many years.

However, we also know that childhood emotional neglect doesn’t happen in a vacuum. And good therapy for childhood emotional neglect acknowledges how complex you are as a person and treats all of you. Therefore, our therapists are used to addressing a wide range of issues that may be going on in your life right now. At our practice we can help with many different things including anxiety therapy, depression treatment, marriage counseling and couples therapy, therapy for life transitions, EMDR therapy, PTSD treatment and trauma therapy, and relationship therapy for singles.

Additionally, it’s important to note that you don’t have to live in Miami (or drive to our office in Miami) to get support as you face your past. All of our counseling services can be offered through online therapy in Florida. While licensure limitations mean we can only offer therapy to people in Florida, many of our clients attend telehealth appointments virtually from other areas of the state such as Brickell, Coral Gables, and Key Biscayne. So, wherever you may be in Florida, we can help, and our therapists can help with all the complex parts of you that interact on a daily basis. You deserve healing, and we look forward to working with you!

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The Power of Vulnerability