Let Go of Excessive Guilt
Do you struggle with guilt more than you'd like to? Do you feel guilty even if there's a part of you that knows you're not doing anything wrong? If so, you're not alone. The good news is you're not a sociopath! Yay! Ok! That is a bit sarcastic, but I couldn't resist. Guilt is NORMAL, and experiencing it at times, shows that you have a conscience and care about others. Guilt is just a feeling, and although unpleasant, it's supposed to be felt sometimes, like all other feelings. Usually, if we've done or thought something that we consider morally wrong, guilt lets us know that we shouldn't do it again. We avoid what doesn't feel good, so next time, we do things differently. It's a pretty efficient system for bonding mammals. However, when we experience too much guilt, it is usually linked to other issues such as depression, anxiety, and or trauma.
Some of the behaviors associated with excessive guilt:
Putting other people's need before your own
Avoiding unpleasant feelings
Self-esteem issues
Perfectionism
Procrastination or impulsivity
Dynamics conducive to guilt
Guilt could come in different forms; we sometimes feel guilty (and ashamed) for some of the behaviors we engage in while trying to cope with the pain of anxiety, depression, or trauma. For example, you may experience a deep sense of guilt and shame if you cope with pain by drinking, watching porn, cutting, etc. Or maybe you're in an abusive relationship and not ending it makes you feel very guilty. Other times, you feel guilty just because you're depressed or anxious, and you tell yourself, "there's no reason why I should be feeling this way." Honestly, in all the years I've been practicing, nobody has told me; it makes sense that I'm depressed; I've gone through a lot! Or, of course, I'm anxious; my household was unpredictable and emotionally unstable! We all have the superman complex! We want to believe that we can rise above adversity and come out unaffected. In part, this is a good thing because it helps us cope in the short term. But in the long run, negating difficult and emotionally taxing experiences will give rise to symptoms of depression, anxiety, and guilt. Remember, you're only looking at the present circumstance and not at everything you've endured throughout the years. The current circumstances might not merit your reaction. Still, look at the accumulation of events that have made you feel similarly throughout the years. You might see how your responses make a bit more sense.
Additionally, when clients struggle with excessive guilt, several dynamics are going on related to upbringing. Often, those who struggle with too much guilt have grown up in emotionally neglectful households where feelings are typically invalidated, overlooked, and at times, ridiculed. There, you were not allowed to show any vulnerability, and if you did, you were made to feel worse. So you learn to stay quiet and not count on anybody else but yourself. Later on in life, when all these symptoms come at you, it's disarming. Even feeling like you need help to cope with it all is guilt-inducing.
Other dynamics, such as strict/demanding parents or living in the shadows of other siblings, also impact guilt. In such cases, guilt comes in when you're "relaxing," "not being productive," spending money on self-care, etc. You might struggle with guilt, not feeling good enough, accomplished, fulfilled, etc.
Lastly, there's trauma. Trauma produces all sorts of guilt. It's complex and challenging to work through because it typically has many layers to it. You feel guilty about speaking up, not speaking up, not defending yourself, about (at some point) loving/caring for the perpetrator, etc. Anything traumatic not only brings up guilt but also shame. It takes deep work to gently and progressively dismantle all the stigma around traumatic events. I'm most careful when talking to clients who've been traumatized because, for them, just telling the story could be upsetting. That's why other body-based approaches such as EMDR and somatic psychotherapy are most helpful.
Therapy to treat feelings of guilt
Regardless of the cause, it helps to explore and reflect on what has shaped your sense of guilt. Once you have that clear, you can start to challenge it. You not only question your thoughts but also change your behavior. You start doing what you think is best for you, even if you feel a bit guilty about it. You must, however, be willing to feel uneasy in this phase. You are, after all, attempting something that has always been uncomfortable.
With each tiny, incremental step, you start changing your behavior, and eventually, that changes how you feel about it. What felt unsurmountable before, like setting a boundary with your parents, turns into a minor inconvenience. With time and therapeutic growth, you will catch yourself not feeling guilty at all! I encourage you to seek therapy for any feelings that are too intense or too frequent; they typically hold a route to healing.
