Can Past Trauma Affect your Parenting Skills?
When we experience childhood trauma, there is a strong possibility of that trauma affecting the way we parent. This is not a sentencing. Our traumas do not doom us to repeat the mistakes of the adults who raised us and influenced our development. Acknowledging how you feel about the pain in your childhood and creating a narrative that respects your experiences can help you.
Overcoming childhood trauma is not about finding someone to blame. People are imperfect by their very nature. Although this does not justify the pain and hurt that you experienced, it’s important to identify with the humanity of the adults from our childhood.
By doing this and recreating a secure and safe environment within your mind, you can rise above your trauma and be an effective and positive parent.
Why does trauma affect our parenting?
When we talk about trauma making us averse to parenting, we’re not saying it makes us inherently “bad” parents. This just means that parenting may not come as easily to you as it would an un-traumatized person.
Thankfully, the human brain is extremely adaptable, so you have power over how you absorb your childhood experiences and how they can influence your parenting styles.
Mirroring behavior
Whenever you become a parent, you may begin noticing the negative traits you have which are similar to your parents. This may come in the form of an expression you’ve never used until this moment. “Why are you always making messes?!” Extreme examples of mirroring negative behavior are physical punishment.
Although this might be what our parents did to us, it’s up to us to develop a better understanding of what is punishment and what is discipline.
We have countless studies showing that corporal punishment has detrimental effects on our children. Instead of justifying the behavior as “It’s how I was raised,” acknowledge that how you were raised lacked compassion. Not because your parents were bad people, but because they were ill-informed.
You have the power to change this not only for your child but for their children as well.
A loud, critical inner voice
Our insecurities are never more present than when we are to nurture another life. Having kids reminds us of our own time developing into a self-sufficient human. This is where the critical inner voice can start getting very loud. It can even lead to intrusive thoughts like “You’re a terrible mother!” or “You’re behaving just like your father did!”
These intrusive thoughts prey on our insecurities. The key to defeating them is to develop a better understanding of yourself as an adult. During our formative years, we develop coping strategies to survive our trauma.
As children, it was how we took back our power and protected ourselves. As an adult, these coping mechanisms no longer serve us, so it’s important to acknowledge them for what they are and adapt the behavior.
Avoidance
Perhaps one of the most critical ways that childhood trauma influences our parenting styles is by creating avoidance. This is unfortunately one of the most damaging behaviors to our children as well.
Avoidance is one of the ways many people cope with trauma in childhood. It can be conscious or unconscious. This is a defense mechanism we develop to avoid the feelings, memories, or similar situations to our past traumas.
While it may seem sensible to avoid these overwhelming emotions, it could create a situation where you are less involved in your child’s life. This is especially true if one of your avoidant behaviors is alcohol or substance abuse. It may even cause you to put limitations on your child’s social life, another devastating scenario for development.
It’s important to acknowledge these maladaptive behaviors for the sake of our children. With the help of a professional therapist, you can conquer your past trauma and be the parent you want to be. Our certified therapists can help you, and your child, live a happier, more liberated life and develop a deep, meaningful connection.
If you would like to learn more about how therapy can help you, please call (786) 644-5392 for your free, 15-minute consultation. Or to get started follow these simple steps: Filling out this form . Then Ashley, our intake coordinator will call you to answer all your questions and get you set up with the right therapist.