Here’s How to Recognize a Trauma Bond
Abusive relationships take many forms. It might look like physical assault, but it can also show up in psychological ways. One of these manifestations is something we call trauma bonding.
Leaving a trauma bonded relationship can feel excruciating. But understanding why and how trauma bonding works can help you overcome it.
If you question why it’s so hard to leave a partner, even when you know they’re mistreating you, this post will help you figure that out. These situations often imply a toxic relationship. These relationships are distressing and often abusive and they may also have brief moments of positivity that feel wonderful, but it’s never consistent.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding refers to a specific kind of attachment we develop with abusers. We grow fond of them (and miss them when they’re gone) because of this connection. It often shows up in romantic relationships, but it can extend to platonic or family relationships, too.
The key identifiers of a trauma bond are the power dynamics. This might mean an abusive parent, military training, hazing, cults, and even hostage situations.
Fundamentally, these bonds create a dependency upon one person for all of your emotional and spiritual needs. Spotting these relationships can be tricky, but they follow patterns. Mostly, the patterns revolve around devaluation and intimacy, fluctuating between the two, in order to maintain control.
How to Recognize Trauma Bonding
Because trauma bonding follows similar patterns in every trauma bonded relationship, you can look for signs. If you identify your relationship as a trauma bond, or if you’re worried for a loved one, it’s advisable to seek professional help immediately. You can recognize a trauma bond by looking for:
Someone who’s ignoring red flags
You feel drained and avoid open communication
You keep secrets
The person defends their partner’s toxic behaviors
Loyalty despite danger
How Trauma Bonding Happens
Trauma bonding is often a result of relationships having an intensity that gets confused for love. The unpredictable cruelty that mixes with caring gestures sends inconsistent and indecipherable signals to the person being manipulated.
Because we often do not see this as outright abuse, the toxic behaviors go unidentified and unresolved. Some underlying causes of trauma bonding include:
Attachment issues stemming from developmental stages in childhood
Personality traits like people-pleasing or passiveness
Romanticizing toxic habits like love bombing and normalizing controlling behaviors
When you acknowledge a trauma bond for what it is, it’s very natural to experience grief. Sadness or feelings of betrayal often accompany this grief. Allow yourself to feel this without feeling shame or self-blame. That you’re identifying this at all means you’re taking enormous steps toward recovery.
Breaking the Bond
Unfortunately, the first and often the hardest step is to end the relationship. If you feel you’re in danger, contact trusted friends and family or a hotline for support. Healing from this kind of traumatic relationship takes time.
It also requires distance from the abuser. Because those same behaviors that ensnared someone to begin with are likely to tempt them back into a toxic relationship.
During recovery, it’s essential to focus on your relationship with yourself. Find your attachment patterns and try to make sense of your narrative from your childhood. You need to rediscover yourself and what safety means to you. Keeping a journal is helpful.
The help of a trained professional can also be pivotal for recovery. They can help you learn how to tend to yourself emotionally. They can also help you identify any behaviors you might normalize as romantic or experiences that might make you susceptible to toxic relationships in the future. Knowing these qualities about yourself and others can help you lead a happier, healthier life.
