Understanding Relationship OCD and how it relates to attachment trauma.
Brain image studies demonstrate that the same brain circuits that light up when infants interact with caregivers light up when we interact with adult romantic partners. Science has illustrated what we therapists have seen in our offices for years. This is why the intersection of attachment and trauma research is so crucial in the way we understand and heal our relationships with others and with ourselves. In this blog, I want to discuss relationship OCD as an attachment trauma response and provide some insights into understanding and healing.
With consistent, emotionally attuned parents who can meet our needs, we grow up in safe and fulfilling relationships. When getting emotionally close to our caregivers feel safe, we develop secure attachment. In the presence of emotionally attuned parents, we can fulfill two basic needs: connection and safety.
Characteristics of Securely Attached Relationships:
Emphasize trust, protection, safety, and connection
Know when to give each other space and when it's essential to reconnect
Honor both their own needs and the needs of their partner
Have a strong sense of self-esteem and respect for others
Feel comfortable sharing their feelings with their partner
Engage in healthy social connections that maintain relationship boundaries
Seek to initiate repair and accept attempts to repair
Enjoy playing and laughing together
Feel compassion for themselves and others
Consider their partner in a positive light most of the time
Feel confident that they deserve respect and should not "settle."
What is Relationship OCD?
In ROCD, all these things are challenging to do. We tend to see behaviors that are indicative of insecure attachment. Where trust is difficult, and anxiety is high. Relationship OCD involves obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors focused on one's romantic relationship. Common obsessions include:
Doubting the partner's love or compatibility.
Questioning one's feelings of love and attraction.
Intrusive thoughts about the partner's flaws or mistakes.
These obsessions often lead to compulsive behaviors such as constant reassurance-seeking, excessive comparison to other relationships, or repetitive mental checking. ROCD can cause severe anxiety and even lead to the breakdown of relationships as partners struggle to cope with the ongoing emotional turmoil.
In addition to relationship-specific concerns, we typically see other evidence of trauma. It is common for individuals who experience ROCD to have general anxiety and more typical OCD symptoms. We also see other "traits" we identify as protectors in IFS.
Here are five protective parts typically present when one struggles with ROCD:
A hypervigilant part, constantly scanning for danger in the form of abandonment, rejection, etc.
A critical part is hyperfocused on finding faults and imperfections in one's partner.
A perfectionistic part that scrutinizes partners and cannot settle for anything short of perfect.
A people-pleasing part that is terrified of disappointing the other or setting boundaries.
An avoidant part that avoids vulnerability and closeness at all costs.
These impact all relationships, not just romantic ones. They protect individuals from the core wounds of attachment failure: not feeling good enough, unlovable, undeserving of love, defective, etc. We typically see that how they relate to their partners is an extension of how they relate to themselves. Hence, doing the inner child work is essential so it projects into all other relationships.
Working with a trauma and attachment therapist in Miami, FL, is essential for healing and navigating the complexities of ROCD. Here is a summary of the vital components of treatment for ROCD. In my view, there are two significant landmarks in treatment: how we relate to ourselves and how we relate to others. Treatment addresses both dimensions ongoingly.
Healing our relationship with ourselves
Increasing self-awareness: it sounds cliche, but it's NOT! Often, clients present with other issues such as "sex addiction, commitment issues, self-sabotage," etc. Taking the time to slow things down and understanding what parts are active within us and what function they're serving is essential to any treatment; it decreases our reactivity and increases empathy and compassion.
Processing attachment wounds: Through self-reflection, we'll identify core wounds, validate one's feelings, and devise healthy ways to meet one's needs.
Transforming protective parts: Identifying the function of our protective parts will help us develop healthier ways of meeting their goals. I often tell my clients, imagine if your inner critic could become your inner Tonny Robins. What a transformation would that be! As much of a pain in the but as your inner critic is, it often intends to keep you on your toes and away from ridicule and external judgment. However, positive reinforcement and motivating messages can also accomplish that; it feels way better.
Practice radical self-acceptance: Therapy helps us increase insight and self-understanding. Understanding facilitates empathy, which is the door to self-acceptance. We don't have to like everything we do and can be committed to improvement; treating ourselves with patience and kindness improves our mental health, and it sets the tone for how others treat us and how we treat them.
Healing the relationship with others
Practice self-regulation & coregulation: Relationships can be anxiety-provoking, especially when you've experienced attachment trauma. You may struggle with self-soothing and with allowing others to soothe you. Working with a therapist in Miami, FL, is crucial in identifying which one you struggle with and how to practice both since our ability to be independent and interdependent is critical to healthy relationships.
Embrace vulnerability by expressing emotional needs and fears: Often, attachment wounds leave people feeling insecure, defective, unworthy of love, etc. Therefore, communicating our needs or vulnerabilities can feel revealing, shameful, desperate, etc. Yet, securely attached people know their voice is powerful. They're used to speaking up and their parents honoring their needs. We've all been around people who are open and vulnerable, yet we do not doubt their confidence. Therapy encourages and models advocacy and transparency so vulnerability can feel safe. I also tell my clients that honesty and vulnerability are privileges reserved for special people in our lives. We typically do so with people who feel familiar. The tricky part is that when you've had attachment trauma, familiarity isn't necessarily safe. Therapy helps you differentiate and protect yourself from exposure to people who abuse vulnerability and save it for those who can honor it.
Practice boundaries: Healthy boundaries are the key to safety in relationships. Before therapy, clients tend to protect themselves by pulling away, keeping emotional distance, being critical, etc. These techniques work in the short term, yet they don't foster the connection they crave. Learning to enforce healthy boundaries is an alternative that allows us to feel safe while nourishing our relationship with others and ourselves.
Welcome imperfections: Self-acceptance is a goal for our relationship with ourselves; accepting an imperfect other is the goal in interpersonal relationships. You don't have to like all of them; just take them as they are. Preadolescents idealize their parents (the love object); our ability to recognize and accept the imperfections in ourselves and others is a critical developmental milestone that opens the doors to meaningful human relationships.
If you're looking for a therapist in Miami, FL, who can facilitate profound and liberating work to heal relationship issues, anxiety, or any other trauma or relationship issue, our practice can help. We have some of the best therapists in Miami, FL, and we don't try to be all things to all people. We only see adults and focus on relationship issues, trauma, anxiety, and depression. This specialization allows us to effectively address our client's needs and provide exceptional care. Book a consultation today.
