How to manage dating anxiety when you have an anxious attachment style
At Psych Blossom, many young women come to us confused and frustrated with their dating life. They typically present with anxiety and hopelessness after dating around and not finding a loving partner to settle down with. During our intake sessions, I hear them say things such as, "I don't know what's happening; every guy I date ends up backing away after some time. Granted, I also realized they were not good for me. But something's gotta change; everyone says I’m too much, I don't know how to pick a guy". After years of this pattern, the anxiety increases, and so do the doubts and low self-esteem. Sadly, these intelligent, beautiful young women are left feeling like there's something wrong with them.
The good news is that there's nothing wrong with them, and therapy can help them change these patterns of relating. Often, these clients do have anxiety in addition to an anxious attachment style. Anxiety is independent of your attachment style. However, there's a correlation between the two since childhood trauma accounts for both. Anxious attachment typically stems from early experiences with caregivers. If a child's needs were inconsistently met—sometimes receiving warmth and attention, other times being ignored or neglected—they might develop an anxious attachment style. This inconsistency can lead to uncertainty about whether their needs will be met, resulting in heightened vigilance and anxiety in relationships. As adults, individuals with anxious attachment often experience a heightened sensitivity to their relationship dynamics. They may have a deep-seated fear of abandonment and insecurity about their partner's availability or commitment. This attachment style is characterized by a strong desire for closeness and reassurance, coupled with a tendency to worry excessively about the stability of their relationships.
When you have an anxious attachment, the novelty, discovery, and excitement of dating turn into a hot ball of uncertainty. You're constantly questioning your partner's intentions, the current status, and the relationship's future. You forget your own when focused on your partner's feelings and intentions. You need to reflect on how they make you feel, if their values align with your own, if their lifestyle is what you envision for yourself, etc. This heightened vigilance and concern with the other (primary caregiver in childhood and partner in adulthood) leave little room to focus and prioritize oneself. The fear of abandonment takes over; you analyze and overthink every interaction, which leaves you needing extra reassurance from your partner. Anxious attachment stresses the relationship, makes trust difficult, and causes frequent conflict.
Here's how we help: as an anxiety therapist in Miami, we primarily address these concerns in individual therapy. However, attachment styles are also a core concept in our relationship counseling in Miami. Please remember that what I'll describe in a few sentences below takes months or years to work through. Remember that trauma manifests and heals differently for everyone.
Increasing self-awareness: Our first goal is to educate clients on what they're going through, how to recognize and label their emotions appropriately, and how to identify their triggers. We also gather enough history to help them understand how their childhood experiences are linked to current-day anxiety. The relationship between earlier experiences and current symptoms is a focus of the first few sessions and an ongoing process, as new experiences often reveal valuable nuances and insights.
Practice: Again, this is a phase and an ongoing treatment process. Regarding anxious attachment, two skills are essential to master: emotional regulation and communication. During this phase, clients have identified valuable tools to manage their anxiety. They are actively practicing mindfulness, journaling, relaxing hobbies, etc. Aside from decreasing anxiety, they also increase insight and strengthen the habit of focusing inward and not on the other. In sessions, we get granular about your feelings and how to communicate them effectively. Even if you're not dating at the time, clients find it extremely useful to practice talking about their feelings with friends, coworkers, and especially parents. Effective communication of your feelings and needs is game-changing once you're in a relationship.
Dating for the first time: Eventually, all your personal growth starts to pay off. You've learned to identify and walk away from partners not aligned with what you're looking for, and you're finally dating someone you're excited about. But... all your triggers start coming back; you're terrified of messing up and losing a good partner. Here, therapy is increasingly valuable in helping you sort through all the dating anxiety that comes up. As an anxiety therapist in Miami, I focus on helping you ground and behave as a securely attached person. I use CBT and IFS tools to remind you that feelings are not facts and help you act based on facts, not feelings. I also help clients increase awareness and empathy for the anxious parts while empowering them to see the confident parts already within them. These confident, mature parts know what they want and how to act congruently. In therapy, you're reminded to practice effective communication with your partner, focus on yourself, continue to pursue your goals and nourish your friends and family. Our therapeutic work helps you solidify healthy boundaries and strengthen self-esteem when dating. In summary, these are the significant skills that therapy can help you master as you start dating:
Focus on recognizing and meeting your own needs. Continue to study if you’re in school, meet your deadline at work, go to the gym, see your friends and family, etc.
Practice self-regulation skills. Recognize when you’re triggered, and give yourself time before you act on your emotions. You don’t have to react right away to mostly anything. Journal, sleep on it, if possible, move your therapy session, and give yourself time to process your emotions before you act on them; 9/10, your behavior won’t be the same, and you’ll give your more evolved and mature parts a chance to handle things.
Learn to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak, needy, or desperate. It shows that you're human, and most people appreciate the chance to help without the guesswork.
Calm the inner critic and practice transforming complaints into expressions of wants and needs. By the way, this is not you begging to be loved, and no, your partner does not know what to do to meet your needs every time or even most of the time.
Avoid desperate actions for attention that push your partner away.
As you can tell, this is hard work, but it also has the power to transform your life. All your relationships will benefit, especially the one you have with yourself. Daring to focus on yourself and having a partner love you through the peaks and valleys of your journey is profoundly healing. Reach out to our practice; all our Miami therapists are passionate about working with trauma, anxiety, and relationships. Regardless of your attachment style, we have the tools to help decrease anxiety and form fulfilling connections.
