Why do high achievers struggle with emotional intimacy?
Let's start with the obvious clarification, not all high achievers have emotional intimacy issues, and not all people who have intimacy issues are high achievers. However, there's a correlation between being a high achiever and struggling with emotional intimacy issues.
I've worked with high-performing clients who struggle with their emotions both when they're single as well as when they're in relationships. They tend to be the whole package; they are successful, attractive, driven, caring, have amazing friends, etc. Yet, they are surprisingly single. On the other hand, they are in a relationship that looks good, but there's frequent friction, arguments, and a sense of disconnect. It breaks my heart to see the incongruence between what they think & feel and what gets communicated to others. Here's where our work lies.
What is it? You may ask.
Is it the same kind of cliche stereotype as the nerd who can't play sports? I don't think so; few people are so polarized. For most of us, we are pretty capable of setting goals and achieving them. I mean, if there's something these clients are notorious for is setting goals and achieving them. And I love when they start to get the hang of emotional skills. It's a superpower that we can all tap into, and once you do, you'll experience a wealth of inner resources and strength you didn't even know what's there.
Sadly, emotions are not always welcomed and sometimes not even accepted in our society. We live in a world where "masculine" values prevail, and everything that's seemed as "feminine" gets undervalued. Unfortunately, emotions are part of this cultural norm, and it impacts us all. If, in addition to this social expectation, we grow up in non-emotional families, then emotions can be very confusing & difficult to understand, manage, express, etc.
Reinforcement of Behaviors and Emotions Affects Us!
Reinforcement also plays a role in that we tend to do more of what makes us feel good. Many times, in these families, external accomplishments were the only way to feel seen, loved, and connected to a parent. These feelings are very reinforcing, especially for a child who's dependent on their parents. Most likely, we will automatically continue to do so until we take the time to do some soul searching and question the real motivation behind our actions. So you can see how emotional connections become harder for people raised in non-emotional, success-driven families than for external achievement. In extreme cases, achievement and goal-oriented behavior become an essential source of self-esteem and worth. Clients can feel lost and anxious if asked to slow down, enjoy life, or just be.
Unfortunately, career or financial success is not enough to make us truly happy. It's a vital part of our sense of well-being, but fulfilling relationships are as essential, if not more, for humans to feel at ease. I would go as far as saying that if that part is not ok, we don't enjoy or appreciate other aspects of our lives as much, regardless of how amazing they might be.
When our relationships get disrupted, we seek relationship therapy for singles or couples, read books, listen to podcasts, etc. It's a time of expansion and growth motivated by the pain and discomfort it causes us. It's no surprise that a breakup, feelings of loneliness, unsuccessful dating experiences, frequent arguments, divorce/separation, etc., usually motivate people to start therapy, yoga, exercise, meditation, etc. These are methods of containing and processing the pain, loneliness, and sense of failure relationship issues leave behind. It is all an effort, consciously or unconsciously, to do anything in our power to avoid similar pain in the future.
What Should You Do if You’re Struggling with Emotional Intimacy Issues?
If you have emotional intimacy issues, you probably just read that and felt uncomfortable. You probably said to yourself, "yeah, it hurts, but I'll be ok" or maybe you even denied it all together and instead said, "I know it should hurt, and I know it's not what I want, but it's not like I"m in all that pain." Any reaction similar to this indicates that you're protecting yourself, and it's hard for you to allow yourself to feel things. Dissociating from your emotions could've been highly adaptive earlier in your life, and it could, even as a grown-up, be helpful in the short term. However, it could be equally destructive long term.
Improving comfort with one's emotions is a necessary step in creating intimacy with another. We must first be ok being emotional beings. In fact, we need to understand the value and importance of our feelings to communicate our needs appropriately and to be empathic to the needs of others. If you don't, you can just come across as defensive and selfish, or on the other extreme, a pushover who only caters to others.
Here are some of the benefits of working on emotions & intimacy:
You will feel more connected to your partner, better understood, less defensive, more loved.
It will improve all your relationships, not just the ones with your partner. You'll be able to become closer with your children, friends, coworkers, not just your partner.
You'll experience a broader range of emotions, not just anger or apathy. Therefore, your ability to communicate effectively will improve.
Heal childhood wounds and other traumas that might be behind emotional difficulties.
You will experience more joy. We forget that numbing emotions also hinder the ones we want more of.
Avoid getting into abusive and dysfunctional relationships.
Your self-understanding will increase, which will make you feel more in control and less anxious.
Feel safe communicating your emotional needs and allowing your loved ones to meet them.
Your self-compassion will also increase, so you will be less critical and demanding of yourself and others and better attuned to your emotional needs and those of others.
Improve self-esteem and experience genuine self-love & acceptance.
You will feel like a good person, not like any of the adjectives you/others probably use to describe yourself. Oh, I know what they are! Here's a small sampler: ogre, self-centered, cold, dysregulated, ruthless, etc.
That's an impressive list. Isn't it? It is! And it's possible if you put your heart and sweat into it. I mean, you have to want it, really want it. Clients who successfully get a hold of their emotions and learn to safely embrace vulnerability typically have a great sense of responsibility and justice. These two attributes are crucial to their success. They've always been accountable, have shown up for others, have given above and beyond, expect little/nothing in return, keep their words, behave with integrity, etc. But they're not doormats and are be very attuned to injustices. So typically, even though they don't expect much in return, they want what everyone wants, a sense of fairness in their relationships. They want a balanced, loving relationship and to be seen for who they truly are.
The development of intimacy is a multilayer process that never happens linearly. In order to overcome emotional intimacy issues, you need to understand the elements necessary to get to healthy intimacy.
Individual Work is Necessary to Improve Emotional Intimacy
You have to get to know yourself and truly process how your emotional world developed. How were your emotional needs addressed? What were the implicit and explicit messages about emotions growing up? Consider the messages you received about vulnerability? Did you feel safe being vulnerable with your parents? Did you fear criticism or shame as a result? What emotional wish or craving did you have as a child? How much physical touch and affection was there at home? What about now?
It's equally important to explore your relationship with success. What drives you? When did you decide you were going to do whatever it took to become successful? What happens when you're not doing anything or working towards your next project? How important is perception for you? And, how do people see you now vs. when you were younger? Is there anybody you can count on? What is it like to accept help or to need someone?
These are all essential questions to process in therapy for singles or couples therapy, meditation, with a good friend, with your partner, etc. I'm using the word process very deliberately because answering the questions is not enough. When you process, you slow down and allow feelings to surface as you think back on the answer. This emotional reaction transforms what you know to be true into something that feels true. As you process painful and traumatic experiences, you will develop compassion for yourself, and self-compassion is a game-changer!
The idea is to help you have a more unified experience where your inner emotions are congruent with your behavior and communication. Congruence decreases feelings of regret, foments trust, and a sense of agency. Reducing the disparity between your achievements and emotional success will also increase congruence and bring a sense of well-being. You will be proud of both and not like one is overcompensating for the other. A balanced self is a happy self.
Couples work necessary to improve emotional intimacy
The internal individual work we do will significantly influence what we bring to a relationship and establish a baseline for what's possible. However, the work that occurs when we are in a relationship solidifies whatever realizations we have in our individual journey. It's similar to going to school vs. learning on the job.
How is Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy Helpful?
Here's where marriage counseling and couples therapy in Miami, FL can be handy. It's helpful to strengthen intimacy if you feel a shift in your relationship as if you're drifting apart. Couples therapy is essential when there are significant wounds in the relationship, such as affairs, loss of a family member, a partner having a mental health disorder, substance abuse, etc.
I use EFT (emotionally focused therapy) to help couples become closer and grow in empathy for themselves and their partner. EFT pays special attention to the dance (dynamics) between partners. I ask couples to slow it down to identify the pain behind their responses. This pain is often overlooked in repetitive fights. Slowly breaking down the interactions gives the other partner much-needed insight and an opportunity to have an emotionally corrective experience.
Even if I'm not meeting clients as a couple, I use our relationship as client and couples therapist to practice intimacy. I'm focused on the dynamics of our interaction and noticing how you might replicate some of your external struggles in session. Having an opportunity to process those experiences safely will help you make significant changes in the outside world.
Aside from couples or individual therapy, there are many things you and your partner can do to improve intimacy. I'll share some of those tips below. This is what people mean by "working" on the relationship. It's our demonstration of commitment over and over. It's what we choose to do when all the happy hormones have dwindled, and we've spent enough time with each other to know what we don't like about our partners.
Tips to Improve and Overcoming Emotional Intimacy Issues
Be protective of each other.
It's essential to protect your partner's reputation in front of your family and friends. Having a few people that you can confide in and who can listen to your frustrations without judgment is ok, and if you have those people in your life, it's a true gift. That, however, is very different from badmouthing your partner when you become upset or don't get your way. It breaks trust and puts you in a split situation once you calm down and are not as angry. Use a journal or go to couples therapy instead. It will allow you to contain & process your feelings without having to do any damage control later.
Turn off the phone and have time each day where you give each other undivided attention.
We live a world of abundant distractions and lead hectic lives. And, we have to find opportunities to be present and connected for our mental health and our relationships. Presence has always been a choice; before phones existed, people got consumed with TV, the newspaper, golf, the kids, you name it. It's now more difficult because we're hooked to addictive devices all day long. But they are not at fault. You have to decide to be present, and that connecting to your partner or family is more important.
Create your little routine and be protective of it; plan around it.
The key here is to be consistent and protective of it. Everything else has to be planned around it. That alone says a lot about how valuable this time is for both of you. Having a particular habit is in itself a very intimate experience. It's something only you share; it's special to you and fulfills a part unique to you as a couple or family. I have a client who has had great success setting Mondays and Wednesdays as home-cooking nights. He cooks on Mondays, and she cooks on Wednesdays. They enjoy those meals together and look forward to those days. It gives them a chance to slow down and connect, talk, laugh, etc. They each do something individually on Tuesdays and Thursdays and feel more fulfilled in both areas of their lives.
Create new experiences with each other, have fun together.
I hear it so many times. "We only talk and connect when we go on vacation." Ideally, we want to increase ongoing communication and not limit it to vacations. However, there's something special about breaking the routine that opens you up. Prioritize that; it's good for your relationship and your mental health, and it's a win-win.
Touch frequently.
Touch regulates our nervous system, and it's a simple yet profound way to communicate love. Hug, lay on each, kiss, hold hands, etc. This type of touch fulfills the more tender and vulnerable side of us. It's also good to know that regular physical contact between partners increases their overall satisfaction with sex. Yet, it doesn't have as much of a positive impact if you only touch during sex or to lead to sex. If that's the case, there's typically a partner that resents it.
Support and forgive each other.
The support and approval of our significant other means everything. Their forgiveness can set us free and unburden us of challenging emotions such as guilt and regret. They communicate "what matters to you, matters to me," "you're ok," "I will still love you if you fail." These feelings foster trust and safety in the relationship and your partner. Support and forgiveness both communicate acceptance. They tell the other person, "I accept the way you are, what matters to you as well as your imperfections and mistakes.
As you probably realized by now, when these skills don't come "naturally," they take some time to develop. The good news is that there are many ways to build the empathy and communication skills necessary for emotional intimacy. Once you do so, the competitive achievement mindset will have a chance to rest. That part of you has been tireless fighting for validation and acceptance in the wrong place, and genuine emotional connection will set it free.
Begin Couples Therapy or Relationship Therapy for Singles in Miami, FL!
High achievers are great at being successful in many areas of life, however, when it comes to relationships, struggles with emotional intimacy issues can be present. You’re not alone in this struggle and talking with a therapist can help you understand your emotions better. At Psych Blossom Counseling, you will work with one of our empathetic and skilled online therapists, either in person at our Miami therapy office or by meeting with one of our therapists online. If you would like to know more about how therapy can help please call 786-244-3520 for your free, 15-minute consultation. Or to get started follow these simple steps:
Learn about our skilled in-person and online therapists.
Begin connecting in relationships in a way that supports you and your partner!
Other Services at Psych Blossom Counseling
Relationships are challenging in any capacity. There are many benefits and challenges, yet for high achievers, there can be larger barriers to overcome. It can take time to overcome emotional intimacy issues, but by starting this work, significant change can occur. If you’re seeking a different type of support, we can serve you in your mental health journey. At our therapy practice in Miami, FL, we can help with many different things including anxiety therapy, depression treatment, marriage counseling and couples therapy, therapy for life transitions, EMDR therapy, PTSD treatment and trauma therapy, and relationship therapy for singles.
Additionally, it’s important to note that you don’t have to live in Miami (or drive to our office in Miami) to get support as you face your past. All of our counseling services can be offered through online therapy in Florida. While licensure limitations mean we can only offer therapy to people in Florida, many of our clients attend telehealth appointments virtually from other areas of the state such as Brickell, Coral Gables, and Key Biscayne. So, wherever you may be in Florida, we can help, and our therapists can help with all the complex parts of you that interact on a daily basis. When you’re ready for support and change, we are here to help you!
