Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships
What are all these terms and what to do they mean when it comes to relationships? Relationships characterized by neglect & co-dependency are unhealthy and sometimes extremely toxic. Many times we get really confused because they could have extremely exciting moments that fulfill many of our voids and desires. Unfortunately, they also trigger our most deeply rooted anxieties and pain points. Hence many times people describe these relationships like roller-coaster rides, with extreme highs and lows. An interdependent relationship, on the other hand, is the healthy, balanced & fulfilling relationship we all envision and deserve. Below you'll find some common characteristics of each and suggestions on how to get to an interdependent relationship.
In a neglectful relationship we typically feel:
Objectified
Emotional needs are typically ignored or undermined
There are no common goals between partners
There's a sense that partners are too different and don't belong together
One partner rarely assumes responsibility for the troubles of the relationship or his/her own behaviour
One partner rarely apologizes
One partner rarely demonstrates vulnerability or asks for help
Sex might be the only form of intimacy
The relationship tends to be unstable with frequent break-ups and reconciliation
In a co-dependent relationship we typically feel:
Suffocated
Partners may experience frequent guilt
Both partners are typically controlling in different ways
Individual goals are frown upon and provoke high anxiety for the other partner
There's frequent gaslighting in which one partner ends up feeling guilty for having a feeling/opinion/desire
Time spent apart is anxiety-provoking
There are frequent arguments over little things
There's resentment and selfishness present in both partners
Partners feel confused for having so much tension in spite of "loving each other so much"
Partners keep taps on each other and are constantly tallying up who's good and bad & who's right & wrong
One or both partner may have an unhealthy relationship with drugs/alcohol
In an inter-dependent relationship, we typically feel
Respected and valued
Both partners feel supported
There's a sense of fairness
There's open communication
There's honesty and it's easy to trust one another
Both partners have a separate identity
Both partners feel free and playful around each other
Basically, a healthy relationship springs when two people know how to come together as well as how to come apart. Needless to say, it requires two relatively healthy individuals, to begin with. Partners who are also committed to working on the relationship through open communication, patience and compromise. A relationship is a fluid dance that needs to be readjusted at all time depending on the rhythm of current circumstance.
Individually speaking, we must be in a relatively healthy state, either because we were fortunate enough to come from a healthy family or because we've done the work necessary to heal. Ideally, you wanna be able to check off most of these points to attract a partner that's equally desirable:
Have a sense of purpose
Be financially & emotionally independent
Know how to set and respect boundaries
Be able to tolerate and provide constructive criticism
Be able to establish open communication
Be able to show vulnerability and support our partners when they are showing it
Feel comfortable in our bodies
Feel comfortable with giving and receiving love & affection
Be free of drugs & alcohol
Have an open & curious attitude towards sex
Many things could affect our ability to engage in emotional and sexual intimacy especially if we have a history of abuse or neglect. I encourage you to do some soul searching and look into psychotherapy if that's your case. We must remain true to ourselves and commit to the pursuit of peace & love each and every day. We only have one life and we owe it to ourselves to make it as meaningful and as joyful as possible. A healthy, loving, interdependent relationship is definitely an essential component of a fulfilling life.
