When Love Hurts: Why Chasing the Wrong Person Isn’t Really Love
I decided to write this post because, at Psych Blossom, we see so many clients in their 20s and early 30s trying to figure out their love lives. They’re often stuck on a person they swear they love… but who consistently causes pain. Just today, I came out of a session where my client, a 24-year-old woman, said, “I know he doesn’t show me, but I know our connection is real.”
That kind of statement is heartbreakingly common. We’re sharing this article to help you reflect on what love really is, why so many of us get caught in these toxic relationships, and how relationship therapy can help you shift toward self-love and healthier connections.
“Love” or Just Longing?
Let’s start here: if someone is ghosting you, ignoring you, disrespecting you, or rejecting your efforts to get close, that’s not love. Period, the end. It might feel like love—your heart races, you can’t stop thinking about them, and you’d do anything to win them over. But that’s longing, not love.
Many clients say things like:
“I know he’s distant, but I can’t stop trying. Who knows? He might need more time.”
“He tells me he doesn’t want a relationship, but I know he’s just scared.”
“I feel rejected, but I need to learn not to let it get to me so much.”
Real love isn’t about chasing or proving yourself worthy. Real love is mutual, respectful, and safe. If your “relationship” feels more like waiting on a text that never comes, it’s time to ask: Is this actually love—or is it a trauma pattern in disguise?
Why We Confuse Chaos With Chemistry
Here’s the kicker: your brain can trick you. If love was inconsistent growing up—sometimes present, sometimes not—your nervous system learned to equate unpredictability with connection. When a partner acts hot and cold, it might feel thrilling, intoxicating, or “meant to be.”
But it’s not fate—it’s conditioning.
This is why so many young adults find themselves stuck in toxic relationships. The brain is chasing the familiarity of inconsistency. You’re not broken, you’re just repeating what you learned. And that’s why “loving the wrong person” often feels impossible to stop—until you start looking at where it really comes from.
Therapy: Where Heartbreak Meets Healing
This is where relationship therapy makes a difference. In therapy, you get to name what’s really happening. You learn that it isn’t weakness that keeps you hooked; it’s a survival strategy from the past showing up in your present.
Therapy helps you:
Build self-esteem so you stop settling for crumbs and start expecting the whole cake.
Untangle trauma patterns so you understand why you’re attracted to the unavailable.
Redefine love as something safe and reciprocal, not painful and inconsistent.
Practice boundaries so you know when to walk away from a toxic relationship before it consumes you.
Think of it as upgrading your definition of love from “suffering for scraps” to “sharing something steady and joyful.”
Self-Love: The Relationship That Changes Everything
Here’s the truth bomb: the love you’re actually looking for starts with you.
If your self-love is inconsistent—sometimes kind, sometimes critical—you’re more likely to attract partners who reflect that same pattern back to you. You may neglect your own needs, push yourself too hard, or silence your feelings in the same way you tolerate neglect in a relationship.
So healing begins with turning that around:
Self-care that’s consistent, not conditional.
Self-talk that’s supportive, not shaming.
Self-love that’s steady, not disappearing when you mess up.
When you cultivate real self-love, you raise the bar. Suddenly, disrespect feels repulsive, not addictive. Ghosting isn’t mysterious; it’s unacceptable. And toxic relationships lose their grip—because you’ve stopped treating yourself in toxic ways, too.
Closing Reflection: Love Shouldn’t Hurt
If you’ve been caught loving the wrong person, don’t blame yourself. You weren’t foolish—you were hopeful. You weren’t broken—you were repeating a script that wasn’t yours.
But here’s the hopeful part: scripts can be rewritten. You can move from heartbreak to healing through therapy, self-reflection, and consistent self-love.
Because at the end of the day, real love isn’t about waiting, chasing, or suffering. Real love feels like respect, safety, and care. And it begins with the most important relationship of all—the one you have with yourself.
I invite you to give us a call and give yourself a chance to explore your feelings, challenge your narratives, and experience the support that can transform how you relate to yourself and others. Put in the work; the ROI is worth it.
