Do I stay or do I go?

The inspiration of this blog post is a bright, beautiful & caring young lady. She reached out to restart therapy after almost a year. During this year, she's blossomed into a bubbly, social, and energetic woman who's full of life and ambition. However, she's struggling with anxiety to the point where there are days she cannot eat. In addition, she's having trouble with her boyfriend and feeling like she's fallen out of love with him.

As we explored further throughout several sessions, she shared feeling very conflicted because her boyfriend has always been supportive and there for her whenever she's been sad, upset at family, or without friends. She, however, was determined to overcome whatever got in the way of her happiness. She worked on herself, came to therapy for several months, applied and got accepted into her dream school, made new friends, got a new job, etc. In comparison, he stayed right where he was at. He doesn't want to go out, wants her to move to the mountains with him, and won't accept her invitations to meet her friends or go out as a group. She looked at me with the saddest face and said: "Now that I'm happy and exactly where I want to be, it feels as if he doesn't wanna be part of it and enjoy it with me." 

You can imagine how awful she's feeling and how heavy of a decision lies ahead. Her boyfriend doesn't want to break up with her, and she feels held back by him. Being her best self feels like a threat to the relationship. As much as she would like to be with him, staying together means feeling guilty for being happy, having to choose between what she wants and what he wants all the time, and managing all the anxiety that comes from being in such opposite positions. In addition, she's furious at the gaslighting that happens when she invites him to go out with her. He then turns around and shames her for "changing" so much.

This conflict is not unusual; all relationships transition through difficult phases. In the end, they come out stronger or crumble. Throughout this transition, emotions are running high, and it's not a decision you should make lightly. A healthy and supportive relationship takes time to build, and we should try to preserve it whenever possible. Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you clarify your decision. 

Have I worked at it?

Have I expressed my discontent and what I need from my partner constructively? Have I given him or her a chance to correct whatever is bothering me and show me how much I mean to them? Have I expressed gratitude and acknowledgment of their efforts? Have I asked for feedback on how they're feeling and what I can work on as well?

How does my partner handle feedback?

Can he/she listen and acknowledge your feelings? Do you see him/her correcting his/her behavior? Or does he/she call you crazy, emotional, high maintenance, etc.? Does he/she start bringing up past events and end up making you feel responsible for the problem while ignoring the present concern? 

How compatible are you with each other?

Compatibility is such a crucial part of a relationship. Research shows that compatible partners have a higher chance of making it long term than those with opposite compatibility. What are your values? What do you want for the future? How much of an introvert/extrovert are you? What about your families? How do they get along? The list goes on. 

Do you miss him/her?

Sometimes we miss the companion, having someone, etc. but not the person itself. Do you long to see him/her? Do you miss their jokes, laughs, smell, etc.? Is it them or having someone there? When you think of not having your partner around, does it feel heavy or light? 

These are just a few questions worth pondering when deciding what's better for you: working on the relationship or breaking up. Remember, it's always uncomfortable to be in this situation. You're both going through unpleasant changes and are in highly vulnerable states. It takes a lot of courage, love, and respect for yourself and your partner to address the issue regardless of the outcome. So be gentle with yourself and your partner; you're each dealing with different but painful moments in your lives. If you decide to break up, remember that you're not an evil person just because your feelings changed. Your character is defined by how you handle the situation, not the outcome. If you decide to work it out, remember it takes time to make changes and get used to new dynamics. Couples therapy could be of great help at this point. But the most important thing is not losing sight of the long-term goal, being happy, and living an authentic life.