Am I Codependent?

Codependency is a term that describes an unhealthy or unbalanced relationship where one person’s needs are met while the others aren’t. Codependent people are said to “enable” the bad behavior of a loved one by supporting them, no matter if it negatively affects their own well-being. The classic example is a parent may have a hard time setting healthy boundaries by telling their grown addict son or daughter their behavior is unwelcome and they must move out. This is a bit of a lose/lose scenario because enabling this bad behavior stalls recovery and only perpetuates the problem. In addition, the codependent parent puts themselves in harm’s way, mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even physically. 

Codependency is associated with the relatives of people struggling with addiction, but it’s not limited to that. There could be other “enabling” behaviors when a partner has a mental health disorder and refuses to get help. As partners, there could be codependent patterns that perpetuate the cycle and prevent partners from getting help. Codependency often stems from an individual’s low self-esteem, excessive need to please, and an inability to set boundaries. Codependents feel responsible for others’ problems and take them on, despite the personal toll it may cost them. 

Where Does Codependency Come From?

Codependency is usually developed in childhood. If you grew up in an environment where your emotions were either ignored or punished, you most likely developed low self-esteem, believing your needs didn’t matter. Many codependents had parents who, for some reason, could not fulfill their role as caretakers. This dysfunction is usually the result of addiction, depression, narcissism, or other issues. In this situation, the child is forced to take on responsibilities beyond their years, caring for younger siblings and even their parent(s). When we’re young, codependent behaviors are a survival mechanism. But as we become adults, these same behaviors prevent us from experiencing healthy relationships.

Signs of Codependency

• Codependent people will typically one or more telltale codependency signs:

• The belief you must “save” or “rescue” others

• Low self-esteem

• A one-sided relationship where one person is responsible and the other is allowed to be chronically irresponsible.

• Going without so that others can have what they need or want.

• Walking on eggshells around others and keeping opinions to yourself so as not to upset the other person.

• Martyrdom – taking care of everyone else and resentful when no one cares for you.

• A need to control

• A need to please

• An inability to set boundaries

• Staying in relationships that are harmful or abusive

• A feeling of guilt when taking care of yourself

If you can relate to one or more of these signs, there is a good chance you may be suffering from codependency. The good news is, by committing to your personal development and well-being, and working with a therapist who specializes in codependency, you can have a profound recovery that ultimately leads to peace, fulfillment, and true connections with others.

Many times when clients struggle with codependent traits, the treatment focuses on self-control and boundary setting. 

Self-control is the antidote to codependency. 

Often, clients who struggle with codependency are in relationships with people “who need caring for.” It seems they’re the person who “has their act together”. On the other hand, their partner usually struggles with “bigger” issues such as substance abuse, illness, failure to thrive, etc. However, upon deeper exploration, we realize that taking care of the other is a way of diverting attention from oneself. Care-taking allows one to avoid the exploration of one’s feelings and inadequacies. Therapy sheds light on your vulnerabilities and gives you the tools to heal and feel in (real) control of your life.  

Boundaries are essential to heal codependency.

Boundary setting is complex because clients often see them as harsh/rude, symbolizing a lack of love, as selfish, etc. In therapy, we explore how we form those beliefs and how to challenge them. Once you understand the origins of your thoughts and behaviors, you will feel a desire to change your patterns. At that point, you will be ready to take small risks and put your needs first. 

If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.

SOURCES:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202011/10-signs-you-re-in-

codependent-relationship

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/codependency

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/codependency

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/codependency/recovery