What your Attachment Style means for your Relationships.
As humans, we naturally seek contact, relationships, love, support, and comfort in the people around us. Cultivating strong relationships and maintaining them for long periods of time improves our rate of survival from an evolutionary perspective. It also has several reproductive advantages.
But how does this affect us now, in the present day, and how does it affect our romantic relationships? Let’s look at how your attachment style might affect how you and your partner interact with one another.
What Are Attachment Styles?
According to attachment theory, there are four types of adult attachments that develop from childhood.
Secure: This attachment style is associated with a warm, loving bond. You felt loved and cared for growing up, so you develop the empathy and compassion necessary to build healthy relationships.
Anxious-Ambivalent: People with this attachment often experience a lack of trust in others, stemming from a lack of trust in their caregivers growing up. You constantly seek approval and may end up having a fear of abandonment, too. You might feel unloved by partners and find it difficult to express how you feel, leading to emotional dependency.
Avoidant Attachment: The avoidant person learns to accept that their needs will stay unmet. You may have grown up feeling insignificant and like your emotions don’t matter. In adulthood, you might avoid intimate relationships altogether and struggle to express yourself or sympathize with others.
Disorganized Attachment: Disorganized attachment is a combination of avoidant and anxious attachment. People in this group usually experience intense rage and difficulty controlling their anger. You might have had difficult relationships with caregivers growing up. In adulthood, you still have trouble sorting through anger and regulating emotions.
What Each Style Needs from a Partner
Compatibility obviously plays a role in whether a relationship succeeds. Now that you have an idea of what your attachment style might be, you can talk to your partner about what you need.
If You’re Secure
If you have a secure attachment style, you’re less likely to have extremely specific needs from your partner. Your self-identity is well established, and you’ll be able to support your partner while maintaining your independence.
If You’re Anxious-Ambivalent
You will likely need:
To feel heard: You might be used to having their needs minimized or silenced. So you need someone who can validate your reality, actually listen, and allow you to reflect without judgment.
To trust: Any insecure attachment style needs trust because it wasn’t taught or was taught hypocritically. You have to be willing to open up, become vulnerable, and you need a partner who can be patient while you do that.
If You’re Avoidant
An avoidant attachment styles rely on themselves and push others away. Because of this, avoidance styles need:
Space: You feel a need to maintain a sense of independence. Avoidant attachments need a partner who can feel secure (or develop a feeling of security) with the fact that these people often need a lot of alone time.
Privacy: This can be particularly triggering for an anxiously attached partner. Your avoidant attachment might make you seem untrustworthy if you’re trying to maintain privacy without communicating your needs. Be clear about the space you need.
If You’re Disorganized
People with a disorganized attachment style need the same as the anxious and avoidant types, but they have two specific needs:
Stability: You may have had a chaotic upbringing with inconsistent parenting, physical or emotional abuse, or were taught that trust is always faulty. Stability offers you emotional consistency, predictability, and a safe space where you can learn how to trust yourself and others.
Patience: It is critical that disorganized types receive patience. Because your behaviors are usually based on panic responses and fear of abandonment, patience from a partner fulfills a need to be understood, heard, and helps you feel more secure.
If you’re having difficulty finding emotional satisfaction in your life or feel you need help to navigate this conversation, reach out to a therapist. Couples counseling can be helpful before a relationship is in crisis. Professional therapy can help you and your partner reconnect so you can avert the crisis instead.
