How Does Perfectionism Affect Relationships?

Perfectionism is often viewed as a good thing. While there are some positive aspects of wanting things to be “perfect,” it can often do more harm than good. You end up putting a lot of unrealistic expectations on yourself, and you might even hold other people to those expectations. 

So, it should come as no surprise that perfectionism can have a negative impact on your relationships. 

When you realize that no one can measure up to those unrealistic expectations, it can change the way you treat the people you’re close to, creating bigger underlying issues in your relationships that can lead to discontentment and tension. 

With that in mind, let’s take a closer look at how perfectionism affects relationships, and what you can do to find a healthier balance. 

Needing to Feel in Control

As a perfectionist, you might feel like you need to control everything and everyone around you. When you’re in a relationship of any kind, you might try to force perfection from that other person. 

How often do you criticize your partner’s attire or the way they present themselves? Do you judge your best friend’s driving abilities? You might think you’re being helpful, but you’re really just trying to make them live up to your unrealistic standards. 

No one likes to be criticized, even if it’s coming from a place of good intentions. 

Overthinking Everything

It’s not uncommon for perfectionists to deal with anxiety and worry. You might find yourself constantly overthinking and overanalyzing just about every situation. In your mind, there is no room for error. So, you try to cover all of the “what ifs” and make sure you won’t make a mistake. 

That kind of overthinking can be exhausting, especially when it comes to relationships. You might overanalyze every comment, or even every look you get from someone you care about. That can lead to arguments, confusion, and frustration from everyone involved. 

Dealing with Low Self-Esteem

Many people become perfectionists because they struggle with confidence or self-esteem issues. The reality is, you simply can’t be perfect. You won’t always be able to live up to your own standards. 

Unfortunately, coming up short will likely lead you to believe you’re a failure. That can create a sort of vicious cycle for perfectionists. Whenever you “fail,” you’ll damage your self-esteem. So, you’ll strive to be even more perfect as you move forward. It leads to interpersonal conflict that can, essentially, put you at odds with yourself. 

When you have low self-esteem, you might look for things in a relationship to provide validation. It can lead to being codependent, or controlling — neither of which is healthy in a relationship.

What Can You Do?

The best thing you can do for yourself, and your relationships, is to fight back against the effects of perfectionism. 

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do your best. There’s nothing wrong with having high expectations for yourself. But, there’s a difference between high expectations and unrealistic ones. 

Do what you can to become more aware of your perfectionist tendencies, and don’t be afraid to talk to your partner and other loved ones about those struggles. They will help you focus on your positive traits and overcome mistakes without letting you fall into the idea that you’re a failure. 

If you’re still struggling with the negative effects of perfectionism, don’t feel like you have to deal with them on your own. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for help. Feel free to contact us for more information about anxiety or couples counseling. Know that you can find freedom from the confines of having to be perfect.